Consider these points to improve your home security
Everything’s gone a bit argumentative recently, hasn’t it? What with referendums, elections, and news stories that split the nation down the middle, the country seems more divided than it’s been for quite some time. So, in the spirit of bringing people together, today I thought I’d hand over the blog to a most unexpected chap – a man who, to all intents and purposes, is the very opposite of me. I try to secure buildings whilst he tries to break into them. Normally I’d give him a wide birth, but in an attempt to build bridges and, forgive me if I go a little Gandhi here, secure a lasting peace between our two communities, I hand you over now to my new mate, Shifty Robbins. Take it away, Shifty… it’s what you usually do to people’s property after all.
‘Ow do then? Shifty here, at your service. And thanks there, mate, great introduction, I’ll even let you off that slightly disrespectful, if fully accurate joke at the end there. I just can’t help myself, see. Although I frequently do… hey there’s a top gag there for the evening burglary crowd. Right, I’ve been asked to pen a few words to you about home security and, much as it goes against my better nature, I said I would. The locksmith chap didn’t exactly stipulate what I were to write though, so let’s hope he never checks it.
Keeping your property safe
So how would I suggest you keep your house safe from the likes of old Shifty Robbins? And yes, before you ask, that really is my name – talk about nominative determinism, what choice did I have for a career? I could hardly ‘ave become a solicitor with the name Shifty Robbins, could I? Although actually…you never know. But anyway, the house, yes. You’ve probably heard all sorts of rubbish over the years about burglars snapping old locks off in mere seconds, and you may have foolishly listened to people recommending that you get antisnap locks fitted to try to prevent this. Well I’m here to tell you not to bother. It’ll just be a hassle for you and really, why would you want to make my job harder than it already is? Spoiler – it’s not actually that hard.
I tell you what, as we’re all pals now, let’s go one step further and discuss if there is even any point locking your doors whatsoever. Trust old Shifty here, and if you venture out and about in your garden or elsewhere, have a bath, or are even turning in for the night, I really wouldn’t worry about making sure the doors are locked. Burglaries are so rare and is it really worth it – imagine if you lose your key and can’t get back in. Far safer to keep doors unlocked at all times, and I’ll take care of everything else.
As I’m helping you see the light here, can I just make a plea about security lights. They are really, REALLY annoying, I feel like I need sunglasses at night ‘alf the time. And they’re not good for you either. Think about it – do you really want to wake up in the night and see my ugly mug tiptoeing across your lawn fully illuminated? I mean I try to scrub up the best I can, but it’s still not the best sight. Far better to leave me in darkness so you don’t notice me, I can get on with my job, and it’ll save us all a great deal of worry.
What next then? Ah yes, house alarms, and I’m sure you can guess my position on these – at least when I’m not destroying them with a large hammer. They’re so not worth the bother. Your neighbours will all ignore the noise and, to be brutally honest with you, they give me terrible tinnitus. After an evening spent in houses with alarms blaring out I can barely hear myself think. You’re destroying my hearing and my mind with these hundred decibel odd sirens. Be nice to your old mate Shifty and leave your house alarm-free.
Be seasonally aware
Just a mention of the seasons before I leave you to get on with your day. You can’t have failed to notice we actually had a bit of sun recently, and it seems summer will soon be with us. I don’t get the benefit as much, of course, what with most of my work taking place at night, but I’m not fishing for sympathy. I’m even happy to dish out some bits of advice for the summer months. Trust old Shifty and make sure you keep your windows open at all times, especially the downstairs ones. No point letting your house overheat in the summer months. And if you’re outside enjoying the garden, don’t bother going to the effort of putting away your garden tools or toys at night. Just leave them out on display and Robbins here will make sure they’re totally safe. In fact if you can leave some money out too, that would be..
Ah, right, that’s enough from Shifty there. His tips seemed to get a little out of control there towards the end, but hopefully he had some words of wisdom apart from that. I trust I’ve done my bit for world peace now, and improved relations between the public and the criminal underworld.