Xmas Tips From A Barnsley Locksmith
As a Christmas “treat”, and with huge apologies to Clement Clarke Moore whose poem I may have shamelessly stolen and amended to reflect a more security conscious age...
Twas the night before Christmas, when all through the properly secured house
Not a creature was stirring, not even a mouse, as they’d been prevented entry by recently-fitted anti snap locks.
The stockings were hung by the chimney with care, but far enough from the fire to ensure no fire hazard presented itself.
In hopes that no-one soon would be there, for the locks, alarms and security lights should act as a real deterrent.
The children were nestled all snug in their beds, protected from burglars by their parents’ security measures.
While visions of sugar-plums, and the alarm code to the house danced in their heads.
And mamma in her ‘kerchief, and I in my intruder-fighting cap,
Had just settled our brains for a long winter’s nap, whilst keeping a nightlight on.
When out on the lawn there arose such a clatter which couldn’t be ladders as we’d securely locked them away,
I sprang from the bed to see what was the matter, mobile phone in hand, ready to call the police.
Away to the window (fitted with regulation window locks) I flew like a flash,
Tore open the shutters and threw up the sash (after carefully unlocking the hatch)
The moon on the breast of the new-fallen snow, adding to the illumination of the motion-activated security light,
Gave the lustre of mid-day to objects below, although all tools had properly been secured in the garage.
When, what to my wondering eyes (and security cameras) should appear,
But a miniature sleigh, and eight tiny reindeer, eluding the laser-activated alarm system.
With a little old driver, so lively and quick, evading the nearby speed cameras
I never thought for one moment it could be St Nick who had scaled the 8 foot garden gate
More rapid than eagles his coursers they came, ignoring the speed bumps,
And he whistled, and shouted, and called them by name, which I noted down for reporting to the authorities.
"Now, Dasher! now, Dancer! now, Prancer and Vixen! – at this point I activated Alexa as I couldn’t write the names down quick enough.
On, Comet! On, Cupid! on, Donner and Blitzen! – this was all excellent evidence for the boys in blue.
To the top of the porch! to the top of the wall! (unaware of the barbed wire I’d placed there)
Now dash away! Dash away! Dash away all!"
And then, in a twinkling, I heard on the roof, painted with anti-climb paint
The prancing and pawing of each little hoof.
As I drew in my head, and was turning around,
Down the chimney this man came with a bound, somehow evading the burglar-catching net.
He was dressed all in fur, from his head to his foot, bleeding from the barbed wire I’d installed,
And his clothes were all tarnished with ashes and soot, not to mention the anti-climb paint.
A bundle of Toys he had flung on his back, no doubt his swag from other burglaries that night,
And he looked like a peddler, just opening his pack, as I put a call in to the local constabulary.
His eyes-how they twinkled! his dimples how merry (for a burglar, anyway)
His cheeks were like roses, his nose like a cherry, for it was also bleeding from the break-in.
His droll little mouth was drawn up like a bow,
And the beard of his chin was as white as the snow. By god, he would be easy to pick out in the forthcoming identity parade.
The stump of a pipe he held tight in his teeth, completely making my own fire safety precautions pointless.
And the smoke it encircled his head like a wreath.
He had a broad face and a little round belly, which made it more baffling how he’d negotiated the man traps I’d set.
That shook when he laughed, like a bowlful of jelly and like the dirty burglar he was.
He was chubby and plump, a right jolly old elf, and by jolly, I of course mean criminal.
And I laughed when I saw him, in spite of myself, for I knew what prison sentence awaited him.
A wink of his eye and a twist of his head,
Soon gave me to know I had nothing to dread, for I could hear police sirens in the distance.
He spoke not a word, but went straight to his work, flagrantly disregarding the fact I was standing right next to him.
And, to my bafflement instead of nicking the TV, he filled all the stockings, then turned with a jerk.
And laying his finger aside of his nose as he saw the dawning comprehension on my face,
And giving a nod, up the chimney he rose, yet AGAIN evading the man traps!
He sprang to his sleigh, to his team gave a whistle, saw the embarrassment on my face
And away they all flew like the down of a thistle, just as the police knocked on my door.
But I heard him exclaim, ‘ere he drove out of sight, chuckling away at my misunderstanding
"Happy Christmas to all, and to all a good-night.. and good luck explaining this away to the police constable at the door.”
Merry Christmas to all my customers, past, current and future! If I can provide any advice or help on any locksmith-related work, call me on 7 and I will be happy to help.